Home

Once not so long ago someone said to me – “Just be rational. It is all in your mind. This is how I survived it all”. That sentence made me think. Ok, so just be rational that is the key of surviving. That is, if pure surviving is why we are all here. Just to survive this time called life. That is the safe way, true. That way you will never be hurt, because you will have no expectations, no passions, no dreams and wishes, you can throw your inner world imagination and any kind of creativity in the trash, and just be rational. Load yourself with so called knowledge, realities of other people, accept the rules of someone else, be obedient servant of society, be a good, invisible little grey mouse. Never show emotions, they are a sign of weakness, just be strong. Because strength is measured by how much you can be immune to the world and people around you and how much you can suppress your true self. Stay focused on what is important. And the important thing is to earn a lot of money, to be powerful, make people scared of you. Calculate every step you take and use people around you to achieve your goals because this is what they are here for. If you are strong you will not mind hurting them because they do not count anyway, as long as you achieved your goal. Of course, if you are intelligent enough you will be able to manipulate them, use them because you are strong and they are weak. They have emotions and nothing good ever came out of emotions. It is your job to enlighten them, bend them to the side that is most suitable for you at this moment, because you know what is best, for you and for them, you know what is rational. And how does your rational day look? What does your reality look like? You wake up, do your morning routine like a good soldier, eat your eggs for breakfast because you know that this will give you enough energy for the day, and take the fastest way to work because it is rational.

On your way to work you think about all the stuff you have to do, you do not notice such silly things as young leaves on the trees, or the street musicians, or people working in the park, or beggars or pigeons, this is all irrelevant. You are focused to fulfil other greedy people’s expectations, so you sit in your chair, and dive in… You do not notice the worried look on your colleague’s face, or the new hairstyle of your secretary, nor do you notice this chocolate, a small gift of kindness that someone left on your desk. Because this is not what we are here for. That would be out of your focus. So you continue your day, barking orders, making rational decisions strictly based on rational numbers, talking to the people who are above you with fake courtesy, showing light irritation to the people at the same level or below you because you need to keep a distance. Distance. Yes this is how you will preserve yourself from everything that might touch you. Then it is time to go home. First maybe you will stop for some beer with people you do not really care about but you call friends. Lose yourself for those 2-3 hours in meaningless conversations about nothing. Then go home. Exchange those 100 necessary words with your partner who you picked rationally because she fits to the picture that you rationally created in your head. It was not some great love, but who needs that anyway, she is the perfect compromise. Pretty enough, educated enough, she does not ask questions she does not challenge you, it is all peaceful and easy. So you talk about the taxes and bills, and you notice that she still has a great ass. Good. And the years go by. Then suddenly you feel like something is missing. Your usual rationalisations do not work anymore. Your little talk  about how you achieved more than your school colleagues, more than your parents, that you are master of the universe, that you have a beautiful stranger next to you, that you have and have…does not work anymore. Because my friend, you were concentrated all your life on “to have” and forgot “to be”. You forgot to be yourself, to be bold to take your way, to LIVE and not to survive, you rationally negotiated with yourself, dismissed everything that was not according to your perfect little rational projection of your future. You have no friends, because by now they all realised what kind of human scum you are, that you are a heartless bastard who treated them like meat, your partner is a talking doll or maybe she’s left you by now. You have a job that brings money, maybe loads of it, but you are not happy, you always wanted to be a pilot or writer or painter or singer or God knows what. But you succumbed to all who had told you once that it was irrational.

Now you know that no great achievement or great idea ever came out of a rational mind. But your life has passed and you survived it. Exactly like this, survived, never lived.

So don’t ever tell me to be rational, because I can’t. I want to live my life and take my irrational chances, maybe something great comes out of it,  maybe not, but I want to feel it, all, scars, and tears, and those moments of total euphoria like there is no tomorrow. I want to believe in house angels who are sleeping in the elder tree next to the house, and make crazy stories in my head about what they are doing right now. I want to have strong bonds with my irrational friends who I do not want to change in any way, as I love them as they are and totally irrationally they love me as I am and I am grateful for this. And I refuse to explain everything rationally. I love the idea that there is a lot on the other side of the mirror and sometimes it is good not to know on which exact side of this mirror you are standing. I want “to be”with all the risks and credits it takes. To play with both, demons and angels inside of my head.

This is the only way you can be free as a person and you can rise above the everyday mud. It takes a lot of courage and it is a harder way, but so far I think I am doing well. So don’t ever tell me to be rational because I am not afraid to be ME. Capishi?

Image

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s