“It is time for you to grow up.” – She said to me while holding a small yellow bucket that kids have for playing in the sand. She was just about to grab into the bigger bucket full of seawater where small crabs were frantically swimming in circle and hitting their heads against the walls of the bucket. After a moment of hesitation, finally she grabbed and pulled out yellow bucket full of seawater together with some lucky crabs and spilled it all back into the sea. Crabs immediately escaped and hid under the stones. They suffered some severe traumas and will probably remember not to swim in the shallow waters ever again. They were caught by fishing net by kids some time before and ever since then they have been trying to find the way back to where they belonged. Luckily she saved them. At least one good thing that came out of that lazy afternoon. Now they can be eaten by some bigger fish that will swallow all their fear, stress and trauma. Then somebody will catch that fish and put it on grill and eat it together with PTSD it got from scared crabs.
However, I was the one there who was supposed to grow up that day. Not only, “grow up” but also “settle down” . So up and then down. I hate when someone tells me to “grow up”. It usually means that I should give up one part of myself and accept the part of somelese’s self and that is never a good idea.
On my shovel list; the list of everything I would like to hit with the shovel straight in the face (even words can have faces) the phrase “you should settle” is right at the top and it has been there ever since I know about myself. To” settle” means to make devil’s compromise with yourself. To convince yourself that whatever you originally wanted is too much for you, that you do not deserve that but something else, less good. Without even trying, you cowardly give up not only on whatever your brilliant idea initially was, but also you give up on yourself. You turn your unlimited self into your second best self, rip the feathers out of your wings and try to sell yourself the story it is for your own good, because you can’t fly anyway. Yeah, now you can’t. Maybe before you could, and ok, maybe you would crash and leave your face on the ground a couple of times but in the end you would have been richer for that experience and that would take you somewhere else. Settling takes you nowhere. That way neither you got what you wanted, nor did you fail like a king. You just failed before you even started. And you did it to yourself, what is even more amazing. How would it be if somebody else did it to you? Hm.. Let’s see it on a simple example:
Say you are really; really hungry and you are dying for a steak. You walk on the street and you find some restaurant. It is “some” restaurant not THE restaurant. You are hungry and you walk straight in. It will do…you take a place and the waiter comes to take your order. When you tell him that you want a steak medium rare with everything that comes with, he looks at you and says:
– Oh Sir you must be crazy. Why would you want that? It is expensive, plus it is red meat, think what this can do to your blood pressure – You of course do not have any problem with your blood pressure and have enough money to buy the whole damn cow if you like.
– Thanks for caring, but I’ll have a steak anyway
– Oh nononono… I think that grilled chicken and some salad would be much better for you; it is healthier, and cheaper. Think rational.
– I told you I want my steak. I have enough money and have no problem with blood pressure. Just bring me my half bloody steak.
– Sir, just think once again… chicken is very good and after you eat it you will not feel heavy, it is a white meat, plus you can later go to the town and buy yourself something nice for the money you did not spend on steak. Steak is overrated. It is not good for you and you do not want that. So chicken?
By now you are highly irritated, starving and painfully aware that this idiot will not stop until he sells you fucking chicken. Here our story goes in two ways:
You settle for chicken and salad. It is wise choice and you are hungry and have no patience to discuss with him another word. Looking for another restaurant is out of any question in such condition. Chicken is also meat, and even healthier than steak, that is true. That would be the fastest way for you to get something to eat, and as additional bonus you will get this idiot of your back without further confrontation. While you are chewing your “healthy” chicken and bland t salad, you can’t help not to look over to the next table where guy is enjoying his juicy steak. You give unconvincing cynical smile, happy that you chose better, he will be dead in a less than a year from all this red meat. You finish your meal, go out buy yourself an ice-cream and think how waiter was right to talk you into a cheaper less caloric meal because now you can additionally enjoy the ice-cream.
On your way home you suddenly start to feel that something isn’t right. You start to feel nausea, weakness… Straight from your entrance doors you run into passionate hug with your toilet, you do not make it , so you vomit all over the bathroom’s floor and your new Italian shoes that cost you a fortune and will now be ruined by acid and bile. With your head down the toilet you spend second half of the afternoon and first half of the night. Second half you spend sitting on your toilet… Bottom line is, you feel like shit and to tell the truth you felt like one the moment you settled for this fucking chicken only because you were lazy and comfortable you convinced yourself that it was a better choice. Neither had you enjoyed your food nor the part that followed after. If you would have any energy left in your body you would go straight to this idiot who talked you to take that chicken and grilled some parts of his body. Though in fact, it is you who decided to settle didn’t you?
You tell the waiter to go fuck himself; stand up and go your way.
Just behind the corner while you are mumbling the worse insults you can think of on this morons account, looking down to the ground you find 100 Euros. That improves your mood. Just a couple of meters further down the road, you find a dream little steak place. Only steaks they have. So you jump in, order a steak which you get exactly as you wanted it, and your favourite vine (you have to spend this extra 100 you found). After some time you see a lady sitting alone on the next table and you invite her to join you. You talk a while; you discover that she is not only cute but also funny and that you have a lot in common. Things start to heat up and you two take a taxi to her place. In a moment you find yourself next to her on the sofa, nice music in behind, dimmed lights and you think how life just cannot be any better. You are both a bit tipsy by now, so you decide to move one step further. Who cares that you have just met her 3 hours before. She does not seem to mind and looks very comfortable with what is going on. Today is your lucky day, you think, you are one lucky bastard. Then suddenly – WTF?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!