I was closed in a box. That box used to be a nice spacious loft at the beginning. I had entered willingly in, settled down and enjoyed the view. After some time I’ve started to notice that the space is somehow shrinking. At first, I thought that I was imagining it. Little by little I have started to realize that the color of the walls is also somehow changing. From white to some kind of dark grey until at the end it turned to black. At this point, the space of my comfy zone had shrunk so much that it started to press me down until I could no longer stand straight. Doors were no longer there, and all I had left was one small narrow window that will also be gone soon if I wait any longer, and I will stay trapped inside of my comfy zone forever and ever. Inside of what once used to be my comfy zone to be more precise. Time is running out, I wanted to sneak out through this window but I couldn’t open it. It won’t budge. Every time I try, one message appears on the window: “what do you want?” Seems that to be able to open it, I have to answer the most difficult question. To myself.
I roll back and frantically start to think what is it that I want. From the outside, nobody can see that my spacious wonderful loft has become a claustrophobic box and that I am trapped inside. They still see it as a wonderful penthouse with a sea view. So nobody can save me but myself.
Okay, back to work. What is it that I want after all? I know I want out of here for sure. But that is not enough. How difficult might it be to answer what I want? Everybody should know that at any time. I want what everybody wants: peace, love, some money to keep me out of trouble, and that is it. I mean I almost have it all. I should be happy. At least I have more than most people in this world. It would be ungrateful to ask for more. Reasonable success, independence, strength, intelligence, and OK I am not a dog, I have my talents as well. I know how to laugh, and I know how to cry. I have my people next to me and I am capable of feeling humble and grateful for what I have. Every now and then I get hints that I am capable of love too. So what more could I possibly want? Isn’t that enough?
I crawl to the window, but it won’t budge. Well, life IS the compromise. I already have a lot, how can I dare to want more. It is just a phase, I am not unhappy. At this moment the window shrank a bit more and I have noticed another message. “Don’t bullshit yourself.” Then soon enough, another. “Free your mind”. Now this place is even smaller than it was before. It is really stuffy and it is becoming really difficult to breath. It is almost totally dark around me, and if I do not come up with some solution fast, I will suffocate.
Okay. Okay, back to what I really want. This time no compromises and no bullshit. But what is the right answer? I mean I know what I wanted a long time ago before I had settled for this life. Out of the compromise, life circumstances, fear, insecurity, rationality, and influence of other people (who were telling me that this was a crazy idea and all the other bunch of lame shit excuses), I decided to put my dream aside and go with the flow. I had all the signs and red flags along that way, but I ignored them. Because it was comfy. Because it was safe. I didn’t have to take the challenge, adjust to new circumstances; I did not have to deal with the fear of the unknown. I was swimming in well-known waters. Just that they turned to be aquarium instead of the ocean where I belonged.
Could it be it? Could this dream be the answer that would get me out of this mess? Is it now really the time to make it real – and there is no other way out but my original way? But what if I think too high of myself? Maybe I am an aquarium fish after all, only with a big dream? What if I do not make it in the ocean? I mean, I will now put it all on this one card. What if it does not work? How will I amortize the fall? I need to be careful about what I wish for, and not be so ungrateful. Maybe downsize it a bit. In that moment the box shrunk a bit more. Shit. I should avoid the word “careful”. I should get rid of any fear if I do not want to be squeezed like a worm in this box.
One more try. Change of tactics. What do I have to lose? It is already so tight and dark that I must breathe shallowly, as I don’t have enough space to take a deeper breath. Now let’s put it all out there. I know exactly what I want. I always knew it. Always. Now, I can even see it happen. And it is going to be a success for sure. And most importantly, I will be happy, because I will do it completely in my own way. It is honest. It comes straight from the heart. And I believe that these are the most successful kinds of stories. This time I will do it all alone. I know that walking the road alone can be lonely sometimes, but I should not worry, as by now I have learned how to dance alone and enjoy it. I just forget it sometimes. This is why I am grateful to my past as well. It prepared me for this jump. No matter how it turns out, it will open some new door and that will be much better than to end up suffocated and squeezed to death in this box.
Hm… also, to add more to this. And to be precise so as not to be misunderstood again…
Yes, it would be great to have somebody to walk along with me. Somebody who would finally understand me without being afraid of me, who would accept me without trying to change or limit me. Who would have the same crazy vibrant energy as me, and who would be man enough to stand next to me. Not in front of me, nor behind me, but next to me. Who would see me as a person, and not as an accessory. That would be great.
At this moment the space became wider. I was even able to breathe and to move. I could again see the window. With a bit of effort I crawled over to it. I could see the first ray of light coming through it, and I tried to open it, but it was still firmly locked. Okay, I answered as honestly as I could. I admitted to myself that I am on the wrong path, which was not easy. I figured out what I really truly want from the bottom of my heart.
So what more do you want?
Another question appeared on the window. “What are you waiting for?”
Really? What am I waiting for? I wanted to say, “I am waiting for you, asshole, to open so that I can get out!” But something stopped me. Instead, I just smiled and said nothing. I am ready. Let’s do it.
At this moment the walls around me disappeared. I found myself in the middle of nowhere with my eyes blinded by the sun. There was nothing around me and I could breathe. No road, not even a path. It was just blue sky, and green grass and one tree in the distance. I wasn’t afraid. I knew exactly which way to go. No one knows who or what is waiting for me on this road. I looked one more time behind me, and danced away…